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Clothing Stores of the Future

By Eric Wronsky

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                Man…it’s time to go back to school.  What a bummer.  Well even though that means the end of going to bed at 4 AM for the heck of it and being as lazy as possible just because you can, it’s nice, even for guys, to be able to get a bunch of new stuff to start out the school year.  Yep, it’s that back to school time.  Yet this is the paradox…there are no back to school sales.  What happened to them?  They’re all over?  Well…what the hell I mean we need to go back to school, right?  As all of you know, back to school sales are over.  They’ve been over since the middle of July.  Does anyone else realize the absolute absurdity in this?  In early June, summer was just around the corner, I thought I’d buy a new bathing suit.  Well I wasn’t going to catch a break for my bathing suit, because all the stores were getting ready for their shipment of sweaters and long pants for their “back to school sale.”  Why do these stores insist on planning 3 or 4 months ahead?  It’s one of the most depressing things to see “back to school sales” when summer isn’t even halfway over.  Quit rushing us, dammit!   Summer is here right now and I don’t want to see any mannequins wearing turtlenecks and backpacks. 

                I’ve theorized that the reason all these stores do it isn’t because the salespeople are stupid, it’s because frequent shoppers are stupid (You like how I said “frequent shoppers” and not just “girls”).  Some of these people who are such impulsive buyers are already thinking of the start of school.  What the hell do they need clothes appropriate for the current time for?  They already bought those months ago.  They need to make sure that they keep shopping ahead and ahead of schedule.  It’s like how a girl will have her prom dress in October.  I abhor shopping and wish that I could just have my mom go out by herself and buy me all my clothes, but I’m too damn picky, so that wouldn’t work.  When I go shopping, it’s because my pants have orange sized holes in the knees and I still wear them every day.  I need clothes for tomorrow, not next season.  These stores get way too ahead of themselves, and I wonder if it’s just going to get worse and worse.  Maybe the back to school sales will get pushed back to Easter or something.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Claire’s starts having a “Wedding Day Sale” in the near future, because 13 year old girls are so damn far ahead of their own time apparently.

                My solution is, of course, to become dictator of the world and force all clothing stores to only sell clothes appropriate to the time.  Back to school sales will start the last week in August and go until the second week of September.  Christmas sales and commercials will not be allowed until December 1st.  Nothing makes me angrier than trying to watch television before Thanksgiving and have some stupid commercial with people wearing gloves and hats throwing fake snow around pretending like their so happy followed by some stupid woman’s matter-of-fact toned overdub that says “Christmas is almost here!”  No it isn’t, bitch!  I want to eat turkey and not have to think about all the gifts I should be buying that I can’t afford.  Why do you think people are so damn depressed and drink so much starting in November?  Shopping is a disease that affects not only those compulsive buyers, but makes those who hate shopping even more disgusted by the stupid marketing and sales industry.  Damn you, Capitalism, damn you!


Eric Wronsky


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