So it’s been two
weeks now since AVP has been released. Before then, it was since Predator 2 (1990)
that avid fans of both franchises have been waiting for its release. You have
to figure that unstoppable dragon-like killing machines and badass sport-hunters with dreadlocks facing off against each other
had to be unbelievably cool. But what the hell!?
This thing was the biggest letdown since I found out that Honey I Shrunk the Kids wasn't real. The first mistake was to put the script and directional liberties to Paul W. S. Anderson – the man
responsible for movies like Mortal Kombat and Resident Evil. Both movies were
entertaining, but entertaining isn’t the bar that the Alien and Predator franchises set.
Anderson just seemed to neglect the fans
and decided to appeal to the masses. What does that equal? A shitty movie that all the critics and movie nerds hate and is #1 in the box office for a few weeks. It’s all about the green I suppose. The
following was totally wrong with this movie:
1. PG-13. I was sure that
was a mistake. I kept looking at other movie listings to make sure it was rated
R. But no. They all tell me PG-13. PG-13??
ARE YOU *#^%@$ KIDDING ME!? I CAN’T EVEN SAY THAT IN A PG-13
MOVIE! Let’s review, shall we? Between
the Alien and Predator franchises, there are 6 films. All 6 are rated R. You know why? Because the bad guys are
bloodthirsty psychopaths on a rampage of blood and guts and decapitations and awesomeness.
Carnage is totally necessary in these movies (Although Alien made it through ok without a lot of gore). Also, they swear like there’s no tomorrow in these movies.
Probably because they know they’re going to be horribly mutilated in ways that’ll cause lots of bleeding…and
gore. So they figure, hey I’m just going to drop the f-bomb every other
word. So I automatically knew there wasn’t going to be lots of violence
or lots of swearing. You can’t combine two franchises with a combined 6
R movies and get PG-13. It doesn’t work that way. Again, Anderson wanted a movie that everyone would be able to see, although 12 year olds who have never seen any
of the previous films have no business seeing AVP.
2. This movie does not have Sigourney Weaver or Arnold. We all knew they weren’t going to be in the movie, but you don’t try and replace them! Of course, the lead character is a woman who turns out to be the sole survivor of
the whole shindig. Oh crap that was a spoiler.
Wait, I don’t care, because no one should see this movie! Luckily
they didn’t really have an Arnold replacement, because who the hell can replace Arnold? The
characters that this movie did have were lame. Everyone just did a whole lot
of screaming and dying in non violent ways. There weren’t any badasses
whatsoever. I didn’t root for any of the humans. I wished they all could have died in horrific ways. In the
original movies, it was man vs. beast, and we tended to root for the humans. In
2004, the title specifically says ALIEN VS PREDATOR, so why do we care about humans??
They’re just there to die, not for us to get to know and feel sad when they never get to see their kids again. Too many humans, not enough aliens. Predators
were pretty prevalent throughout, and aliens are – in my opinion – much cooler than predators.
3. I’ve seen all the other movies.
I know how these things work. There were way too many scenes just as an
explanation as to how the aliens and predators function. They’re basically
recreations from the earlier movies, only with crappy actors. Of course these
scenes are in there because Anderson anticipated with a PG-13 rating, stupid kids would be going to see it having no idea what these things
are all about. If the movie was truly for the fans, it would have featured way
less explanation, and way more showdowns. Even though I was pissed off as soon
as the movie started, the only thing keeping me paying attention was the fact that a predator had been impregnated by a facehugger
about a third into the movie (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, why the hell are you reading this article). And of course as everyone knows, the alien that’ll come out of the predator
will have traits of the predator. So there was the potential of a half alien
half predator monster wrecking havoc on everyone. I kept thinking to myself “ok
this is only an 80 minute movie, where the hell is the preditalien??” But
of course, those 80 minutes were filled with stupid explanations and stupid actors.
Only in the closing seconds did we catch a glimpse of this halfbreed that we can only assume will show up in the sequel. And I guess since all these idiots went to see it, they’ll be enough money in
So in review: AVP sucks a big one.
Anderson couldn’t make a good movie if his life depended on it. If you haven’t
seen it already, don’t. I just told you all you need to know. Of course, since I’m a complete sucker, I’ll see AVP2 opening day whenever that comes out simply
because I’m a diehard fan of the originals. I guess you can count on me
writing another article on how much THAT movie sucked so you won’t have to waste another 10 dollars of your money. I hope Paul W.S. Anderson reads this and says, “You know that Eric Wronsky kid
sure is smart. I think I’ll let him write and direct the second one.”