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How To Survive a Fair

By Ben Siegel

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How to survive a Fair

    At first glance the fair can be deceiving, but don't be fooled, this is capitalism at its best. With a 14 dollar entrance fee, plus they can charge you whatever they feel like it for a shitty funnel cake and a sausage link, I recommend eating at McDonald’s before or after. After you fork over the 14 dollars you may want to play some games, but be careful some of these games are rigged, such as the bottle toss ring crap, the age and weight guess and the hammer hitting strong man game. The bottle toss is next to impossible because the bottles are glass and the rings are mettle, which makes the rings bounce off the bottle. The age and weight guessing ratio is so against you, he has to guess with in 3 years or 10 lbs, which is bull shit any one could do that. Then when have the strong man game, you have to reach 100 to get something even 2/10ths of the price you paid to play, but it is controlled by the man with the Mic, and if its not then the scale can be thrown off due to its over usage.

    The other night I went to the fair and found it quite horrible and/or terrifying. Most of the rides were rickety, rusty, loud and fast, put those together and that spells death trap. My first ride was a whirly thing, that did a twist and moved, thank god it wasn't to far off the ground. After that ride I was ill impressed, because during that ride I played tic tac toe, thumb wrestled and played patty cake, all to which was more exciting that just hanging on for dear life. And to add one less thing talking on the cell phone while on a ride may or may not enhance your riding experience depending on the person you are calling.

    The fair is filled with different types of people, from ethnicity, to weight and size, and don't forget mullet length. It's fun to see and count how many mullets you can encounter in one trip, let's just say it's more than a trip to your local Wal-Mart. You also may take notice that the person with the biggest mullet appears to be having the most fun, it must be the hair? Next you have the radical cult Jesus Christ extremists who try to recruit you with free face painting, water, puppet shows and songs about god. But don't be fooled they also use teen sex, as a marketing tool to join there cult/church, I caught my self many times, checking out this fine chick who was dancing on stage, but hey it's not my fault she's so hot. But don't forget to stop and talk to all the white trash fat people who are fighting for a good time to any extent, whether it be a sugar/ heart attack filled delight, only to enhance there obesity, or to push little kids on the ground so they can be the first to win that blow up hammer.

    And finally Carnies, these people are the worst known to man. I shall point out they swindle your money, trick you into buying things you may not need and make fun of how you may or may not want to fall into their traps of deceiving lies and swindles. They are also Cruel to animals, you may notice the small spaces the tigers, sheep, goats, cows, and children are force to endure, I found my self many times wanting to hop the fence and free the tigers from there rusty cage of death, or pull a child away from two fat women who have no where else to sit except next to them.

    I leave you with these 5 rules, one, no matter how many people say it's safe, you still can die. Two do not make eye contact with any carnies or else your soul will be devoured in to paying 5 buck to toss a ring on a bottle. Three after you ride a ride you will never be clean again. Four and five is never go back again, and if u must may god be with you.


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