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Watch the Olympics?

By Garrett Johnson

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Watch the Olympics?

    Having been on vacation for the past few days, I have come to realize my love for the beach. If I am ever to fail in movies, I shall live on the beach, in a van, made of sand. However, I will not write about the beach, for that was already done with skill by Eric. What I will write of is about the 2004 Olympics.

    I haven’t been to the beach in 5 years and I haven’t sat down and watched the Olympics ever. I like most people said, "meh," when it came to the Summer Games. But this year, with some time on my hands and nothing to do. One might even say a little boredom brought me into watching it. And surprisingly, I enjoyed it. The Olympics bring together the best of the best (or the best of those who can afford the equipment and training) to compete for the gold. What’s not to love about that? It’s amazing to watch and America is quite the monster at taking down all the other countries. Another way to give the world another reason to hate us!

    I started off watching the Men’s and Women’s Gymnastics. Watch? Gymnastics? Whaa? Yes, I would of rather watched badminton, but it was earlier in the day aka the morning and who wants to be up that early? But I will say this, these people competing in gymnastics are humans in their most perfect form. Anyone on the Men’s team could easily crush me in a second, then pull off a double axle twist, land it perfectly and get a perfect 10 from the judge all while hanging from the parallel bars. Any woman could do the same thing and they are all the size of leprechauns, literally. The Irish Women’s Team all wore green and carried little pots of gold around with them. One of the Romanians tried to take some and was almost killed. Scary stuff. But be it rings or the floor exercise or the bars or vaults, these people are monsters and our own Americans are pulling off Golds and Silvers like they never have before.

    The other event which I was able to watch in detail, yes, badminton was still on too early, was swimming. Everyone involved swimming is like a fish in human form. Its amazing how fast they go. They swim 400m in the same pool where I would drown after jumping in. Only one name needs to go with swimming to describe it though. That name is Michael Phelps. Michael Phillips? No. Michael who? Michael Phelps, one of the best swimmers in the world breaking records and winning golds. Oh yeah, and he’s only 19 years old. Only two years older than me. I better win some medals in bobsledding and the luge in the 2006 Winter Olympics if I want to match up to this kid, otherwise I’ll be a slacker.

    Though as surprisingly good as the Olympics may be, it does have its downside and that downside is its choice of events. Example. Water Polo. Now I’m familiar with regular Polo. You have yourself a horse and the standard Polo shirts (Ralph Lauren). But this Water Polo is a different beast. Not only do you not wear any shirts at all, but you don’t even get to keep your horse! What’s up with that. No underwater horse, not even a fake inflatable one. Outraged? Not really. Disappointed? A little. No horse equals no watching from me. However, the false advertising of Water Polo is nothing compared to the event of Speed Walking. Yes, you can win a Gold for walking fast. Sprinting? Nah. Running? Nope. Jogging? Are you kidding, that would make someone actually exert physical strength. Walking? Now you’re talking! The only real rule is you can not have both feet off the ground at the same time. When that event went through, I’m sure all the dead Greeks rolled over and Zeus wanted to throw a lightning bolt at someone. Hell, if I had lightning bolt powers, I’d fry someone for that one. Please just take a second and shake your head with me at such a thing. And folks, its not gonna get any better. Chess and trampoline jumping are trying to wedge their way in. Chess! A sport?! No. I ask just one simple question. Where is Wiffle Ball? Why can’t I travel in 2008 to play Wiffle Ball and represent my country? Maybe I should quite and start up chess...

    But I won’t. But I will continue to watch the Olympics, unless anything better comes up, and I recommend you do the same. It’s some of the most suspenseful, amazing stuff on TV. Watch and support the United States. And with your viewing you can help out every advertiser involved (which is a whole bunch) make a boat load of money.


"The Official sSp Writer for the 2004 Olympics

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