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Something Strange Productions

The History of Everything; As Told by Me

By Tom Breeden

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Once upon a time, when the universe was very young, God was training in the ways of the force. Soon, God became the very best Jedi ever. But God was lonely. So he created three beings whom would become the very first inhabitants of Earth. These beings were; Jesus, the Grimace and Mr. T's mom.

Jesus was always traveling the cosmos, trying to earn a living selling large wooden crosses (this would come back to bite him in the ass later on). Mr. T's mom was a very kind woman, who always made milkshakes for the neighborhood kids. And one magical day, she gave birth to a baby boy, who named himself: Mr. T. Mr. T grew up to become a great man, but we all know that story.

Now, that no good Grimace started to get greedy, he wasn't pleased with his Milkshake Planet. Oh no, he wanted to command all the milkshakes in the universe! This Grimace isn't the same Grimace we all know today; he originally had six arms and was very cunning and powerful. After nearly exhausting the universe's supply of milkshakes, he went too far. He stole milkshakes from Mr. T's mom.

"No sucka steals my momma's milkshakes and gets away wit' it." said Mr. T.

He jumped into his custom 1982 GMC van and sped off, towards Grimace's milkshake command center.  "I'll throw you foo'" said Mr. T, menacingly.

"Bring it, T." smirked Grimace.

"I ain't got time for this jibba jabba." And with that, Mr. T and Grimace fought.

But this was no ordinary fight, for this was the greatest fight to have ever occurred, EVER. It was even on pay-per-view. The battle raged on for eons, rocking the cosmos and decimating much of the galaxy. Both warriors fought vigorously, waiting for the other to tire. Neither ever did. As onlookers stared into the heavens an impressive, yet horrendous explosion of light blinded them.

The Fonz, Mr. T's good friend, was the first to the scene. No one was prepared for what he would find. Mr. T had been killed. He unselfishly, gave his life, so that the good people of the universe could enjoy their milkshakes on peaceful terms. The Grimace, on the other hand, survived, but was never the same. Four of his arms were amputated, and the damage to his brain left him with the mental capacity of a child. Not being a threat to anyone anymore, the Grimace was set free and allowed to cherish his childlike state of mind.

Everyone mourned the death of Mr. T, but hope soon arrived, for Jesus' mutant... I mean, holy powers had manifested themselves. He went to the Grave of T and brought Mr. T back to life, knowing that he would always protect and enrich the lives he touched.

Today, Mr. T is fighting for the side of good as always, and keeping kids in school and building youth centers. Grimace, was again brought to the side of evil, after being brainwashed by the eco-terrorist known as Ronald McDonald. With the Grimace's help, McDonald overthrew the kindly Mayor McCheese and conquered Ronald McDonald land. Chief Big Mac was killed in battle.

 

So that's why McDonalds sucks today. Thanks folks, I'm here all week.

 

Tom Breeden

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